12 weeks. Gone.
Today was one of those days that I could have gone without. But it had to come sometime. Back to work. Of course, I love all three monkeys the same, but I just could not get Baby J out of my head all day. Perhaps this is because the longest I've ever been without him before today was six hours. Or maybe it was because the realization that I will never have this long of a vacation (not exactly the right word!) until I retire. My eyes were glued to the tiny clock on my computer screen. Baby J should be napping now. Oh, I bet Baby J is awake now. This is when Baby J smiles the most. I sent messages to our nanny a few times and I just stared at the pictures she sent back to me.
Life is complex for sure. We all are called to take on so many roles; and trying to navigate the balance between these roles can be daunting. When I kissed my babies good-bye this morning, my eyes were overflowing with tears. They are so beautiful. So young and moldable. And here I am leaving them all day long. Tremendous guilt overtook me. But then I stepped into work- wearing real clothes and high heels- receiving welcome hugs from everyone- and I felt needed. I quickly found myself using medical words and conversing in ways that I just couldn't with toddlers. Patients asked me questions, and I had answers. I was intellectually challenged.
Deep in my heart, I know that being a professional makes me a better mom and wife. And being a better mom and wife makes me a better professional. And I know it will take sometime for my new life- my real life- of trying to do it all comes into balance.
But for now, I will just rock Baby J a little bit longer as he drifts off to sleep ….
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